Every human being leaves a wake of their experience onto the world around them. Those who are conscious of this and their own effect will manually attempt to soothe any negativity they may cause in others.
Conscious people either apologize for being irritable, or they give the person for whom they have been wrong, a way to forgive them. But there are many, many people in the world, who are self-obsessed, instead of self-aware.
These are the ones who can leave a stain on your day, or entire week in some cases. (For those who stain a large part of your childhood memories, this post is not about them. It’s just describing the kind of people who effect the surface of your experience, not the course of it.)
Your day is filled with many activities that can easily be sidetracked by emotion. If you experience the emotion of others in a negative way, it can cause your day to go horribly astray because every feeling you have about yourself gets stained by a superficial experience someone has created in you.
The emotional effect people have on you is created by the emotional wake they trail behind. It can rock your boat if you’re not properly moored.
This experience can result in not only disregarding your self worth, but also your sense of justice. When you allow someone to have that kind of effect on you, it’s usually because you haven’t found a sense of truth in it, and are therefor considering the untruth as a statement about you, rather than a statement about them.
You may feel as if your agony is against them and not yourself, but if that were true there would be no need to dwell upon the situation, because you would shrug your shoulders and say, “who peed in your coffee this morning?” Rather than having their emotional behavior actually dislodge your feeling good about the day.
These are usually people who have a way of being that is dark and foreboding, or deeply disturbed. They are not well for one reason or another. Some are unwell for emotional reasons of their own, others are unwell because their sense of security comes from causing illness wherever they go. This is because they have an opinion about the ways of the world, and they work hard to uphold that opinion in order to maintain that sense of security.
For example if someone is rude to you in a way that makes you feel picked on, the way you respond is how the other person sees the world. You reflect the way the world is to them, when you do what is expected from a result of their behavior. It’s not until you actually do or say something they aren’t expecting that you effect not only their day, but yours as well.
You cannot deal with the emotions of others upon you until you deal with the emotions they are having about you. This means change how you respond and respond only in kindness. Make this about them intend of being about you and you’ll see they are not the monster they appear to be; they are instead a person in need of compassion. You can only do that which you are comfortable doing, but make sure your comfort lies in the knowing of your own perfection.
DISCLAIMER © 2014 COPYRIGHT, SONDRA D. SNEED
Dear Sondra,
This is such a great topic! Relationships are our greatest tools for learning about ourselves–even those short-lived relationships that we have with the road rager on the freeway, the bank teller, the panhandler on the street. I could probably write a book on this topic, just in reflection of my own process and experience around relationships, interactions, lessons learned, and stains received. However, I will keep this brief . . . Sort of, or not so much.
It is rare anymore that someone is able to put a stain on my day that doesn’t wash out within minutes. Mostly, I am Scotch Guarded and stains do not penetrate. 🙂 I do not often get ruffled when I come into contact with a grump, even when the grumping is aimed directly at me. I realize that the issue is not that I have done something so offensive as to warrant rudeness, but rather that they are having a hard day, or a hard life. When this happens, I usually either just move on and let the interaction pass away, or I shine some light on that person. When a person who is grumpy and unpleasant to another sees that the other receives the negativity with grace and shines back love and appreciation, they cannot help but see the reflection of their own unpleasantness. I believe it is true that some people habitually project negativity expecting to get a certain reaction (a rebuttal, ruffled feathers, etc) and when they don’t get it, they notice their own behavior in a way that may have been unconscious before. As you said (right?), this is a reflection of the way they see the world; when the world gives them something other than what they expect to receive, they recognize that the nature of things is not so simple as they thought. They become more aware of themselves and the role they are playing. Once in awhile, I do have an interaction that challenges me–more often due to my hormones or stress level–and I usually turn it around by contemplating my own reaction. “Why did that push my buttons so much?” By doing this, I am able to learn from the experience–something about myself–and in so doing, the emotions are usually quite easily diffused.
Consciousness comes from stepping out of habits of thinking and being. It is easy for the observer see where another is habituated in the world, but I think the deeper challenge is in recognizing our own habituations so that we may get beyond them. Our experiences in relationships offers this opportunity. We cannot not recognize in others that which we do not recognize in ourselves. Yet, so often we are not aware that what we are recognizing is ourselves. This is the true challenge. With this recognition, we can direct our attention away from the other and onto ourselves, where we can begin to do the work of dissecting and understanding our own nature, our own habits and beliefs. Recognizing a negative aspect in ourselves should cause us to have compassion for others, at the very least, and on a greater level, have gratitude for the self inquiry that they have sparked in us.
Many, many years ago I read a short story that has had a great impact on me. The story starts with two people walking through a city. One man questions the other after observing him interact with several strangers encountered on their walk. The question goes (very loosely) something like this: “I am somewhat mystified by your behavior. You complimented that man at the construction site on his fine work, though you know nothing of the quality of what has been done, nor what role he played in it. You gave a flower and a wink to that rather plain looking woman, yet I know you are fully committed to your wife. You asked the advice of that despondent looking child at the park and thanked her for her insight as if it came from the mind of a genius. Should I question your sanity?” And his companion replied something like, “A word of kindness can carry through the world like ripples on a pond, spreading good will to many as yet unknown. The man at the construction site may speak a kinder word to those around him, whether it be a word of appreciation to the go-fer who might as a result return home after a hard day of being treated poorly by co-workers and pet his dog instead of kicking him, or whether it be the entire crew who he releases 15 minutes early so that they may play with their children or give a flower and a squeeze to their hard-working wives. The plain looking woman may feel beautiful for the day and spread smiles where she goes, tip generously for her lunch or treat her family to something special for dinner; perhaps she will seduce her husband once the children are to bed thereby rekindling a nearly forgotten spark. The child may recognize the value her contribution to the world and becoming one of the greatest thinkers of our time–at the very least, she became happy and excited at that moment. On the other hand, if I were to scowl at the men at the construction site for the racket that they make and the dust upon my car, they may be angered and snap at their wives, who will in turn yell at their children. I could ignore the plain woman, but did you not see the beauty that she suddenly exuded when she received confirmation that it was there? I could have showed the child, as so many do, that her magical ideas and insights into the nature of the world are of no value. She may be told to “be quiet and go away” by her father who is tired and grumpy from a hard day at the construction site; or be reprimanded for thinking silly thoughts by her mother whose days weigh heavy with the dull nature of her mid-life existence, unappreciated by the world. One never knows to what extent their words of kindness have contributed to brighten the lives of others–to brighten the world.
I love pic of being Scotch Guarded. Let it roll baby! Marilou McIntyre
Ha! Ha! 😀 Thanks, Marilou!
One of my daughters had an incident she was relating to me while we were checking in with each over the phone. She teaches history at the college level. During class as she was lecturing she accidentally misspelled a word while writing on the board.
After class she received a nasty email from one of students denigrating her for making the mistake of misspelling a word. He said among other things that to call herself a college professor was” an abomination.”
Needless to say, it left a stain on her day and was said to make her feel unworthy of what she worked hard to accomplish. As her mother it even hurt me to hear it.
She said bounced back by realizing that even though she may have misspelled a word this person could not find one fault in anything she had lectured on in class and that was what really counted.
I sent your article to her and she said thank you.
Thank you Sondra for your insight
Yvonne
This is Sondra saying – children are rude on their own, but in the box of comments they are excruciating. I have seen grammar trolls all over the world of blogs, people getting lambasted for mere typos. Magazines are the target most and I have seen those exact words “call herself (yourself) a college professor (a magazine) is” an abomination.”
Tell her this, “sweat this and you’ll never see how amazing you are. Overlook the error of the fool who said it and notice it is their issue, not yours.”
Grammar trolls are not exclusive to the internet, only empowered by the anonymity.
Love, Sondra
Sondra! When I begin to feel fussed up by others these days , I go inside and send them love, light , and respect and many blessings. I believe I am sending this to myself at the same time I am sending this to them !!! Then I just sit back and feel kindness and kinship flowing all around! Love is all there is! Dew Shonsey
Yes, my Dewy morsel of kindness, that is a sweet way of being. However, there are warnings people you-niversaly give you that you sometime ignore, in the course of your giving. You see them, in otherwords, as being mean, when they are really just trying to give you a leg up on your own course. Don’t ignore them, but don’t deny their intensity on you either. Accept this discomfort as something Love makes happen sometimes, to stir you from your slumber.
Love, Sondra & God
PS: you have much to do – it’s time to make Drew.
Dear Sondra: There is a person in my life that I have not felt as close to recently as I would like to. The reminder to bring kindness always is a good one. I am sure they are needing kindness and compassion. Thanks for the reminder. Sarah
Closeness is not always what it’s supposed to be with people, even when you have it. The best way to see this problem is to tell yourself ‘who is hurt with the way I feel’? You’re more likely to hear that it is you who is hurt. “How will you allow yourself to heal?” is the next question you’ll ask yourself in the course of mystery and resolve. Love, God
I learned a long time ago to let hurtful or stupid comments directed at me to roll off my back and refuse to accept their ignorance or rudeness into my life. Also this makes me more considerate of others. Thank you for your insight. Marilou
Absolutely, Marilou! But there are times when you can be unexpectedly rocked. Sometimes it’s not rudeness, or abruptness that gets us off kilter, sometimes it’s just a show of disrespect toward that which we hold sacred that can do it. I’m sure you’ve had a time or two, in the course of your own bravery, where you’ve seen how people take what you are doing as less than valuable.
You are absolutely correct! In those cases I am sooooo grateful that I have high enough consciousness to be able to determine right from wrong usually. In those cases I send light and growth to the sender of negative thought or action. Marilou